Testimonies

Family members and friends often need encouragement, too. Learning how others have responded to their loved one's sexual issues can offer both comfort and faith to persevere in prayer.

You can read more testimonies on the Exodus International Website by clicking here. There you will find the story of Christian musician and songwriter Dennis Jernigan ("You Are My All in All.") Remember that you will be on a page outside this website. Use your browser's "back" button to return.

Forgiven, Healed and Made Whole by Larry and Betty Baker

In 1970 we were a happy, young married couple with two beautiful blonde little girls. Larry’s years of military service were behind him and we were excited about the career he had begun as a commercial airline pilot. We were also excited about the Lord and our growing faith, and were actively serving Him in a Bible-believing church.

We wanted another child but knew it would be difficult for me, and so we began to look into adoption. Although we first considered Vietnam , the Lord led us through a series of events to adopt a precious baby boy from Korea . Larry was able to fly to Seoul to get him, and the girls and I had our first glimpse of two brown eyes peering over the top of his daddy’s shoulder at Kennedy Airport on a rainy day in April of 1972.

From the very beginning, he was ours – no question! On his first Sunday at church, a little friend came up to our older daughter and asked, “What is he, Chinese?” And she replied with eight-year-old indignation, “No, he’s my brother!” And so he was.

He has been such a joy and blessing in our family over the years – a thoughtful, intelligent, caring son and brother who was never in trouble and graduated with honors from a top university. There were times he struggled with prejudice, and we talked and prayed about it. He loved going to Korean culture camp, where even the counselors were adoptees; and during his college years he made a trip back to Korea with a large group of adoptees. On his return home, he helped care for a little boy who was coming to his adopted family. It made our son all the more appreciative and loving.

A few years later, we began to suspect he was involved in homosexuality. When we asked him outright about it, we assured him that nothing could stop us from loving him or claiming him as our son. It has been a long and difficult road since then, made more difficult by his rejection of a loving God. He is still involved in homosexuality, but he is still our son. We hold him and his partner up in prayer every day and ask the Lord to mold them into the men He wants them to be.

Ours is a close, loving family; both our daughters are married and we have four beautiful grandchildren. But there is division among us on the acceptance of homosexuality as a normal lifestyle. There is still a lot of love and joy in our family, but there is a shadow over every holiday and family event.

I cannot tell you how much the Lord has blessed and helped us to grow in Him through this. He has led us to the Transforming Congregations ministry and given us a burden to help other families who struggle with this problem and other problems of sexual brokenness.

You see, we’re not alone, and it’s not just homosexuality. The first thing the Lord told us was that we must deal with our own sexual sin before pointing a finger elsewhere. That involved a lot of painful confession: of early sexual activity, abortion and adultery. But today we are forgiven, healed and made whole by the cleansing blood of Jesus Christ.

Many of you may know of similar situations in your own church and community. If you don’t, it’s not because it’s not there; it’s because individuals and families are ashamed to tell you. It’s because we as a church have not educated ourselves and reached out to these people with the unconditional, compassionate love of Jesus. Every community has people who struggle with unwanted same-sex attractions, struggle with sexual promiscuity, the lure of adultery, and rampant pornography. A recent Newsweek article cited a Christianity Today study that discovered 40% of responding clergy had visited sexually explicit websites.

It may be that some of you are among those strugglers. Jesus Christ can heal and free you; you can be a great help to others. Will you join us and help lead our church to stand firm on Scripture and the Discipline, and open its arms to those who need our help?

Betty is a former President of the Transforming Congregations Board of Directors and Larry also served for many years on the Board. They are members of Mt Zion United Methodist Church in Madison, VA.

Still on the Journey by Pat Beadle

Our son came home 13 years ago from an Air Force leave stating he had something to tell me. He also told me he feared that when he did we would no longer want him for our son anymore. My thoughts as a Mother were "What could be so terrible that he would think such a thing?" also "When would a parent’s love become conditional?"

When he did tell me that he was gay, my first response was a worldly one – “Well, he is eighteen now. There’s nothing I can do about it.” I reacted by going to him, hugging him, and assuring him we loved him no matter what! After thinking about it, I became well aware that there was a lot I could do about it! Pray! Pray first of all for me, my husband, John, our other children and our extended family. And pray for our son – his life, his safety, his future.

John’s response to our son’s announcement was, "He needs us more now than ever before in his life. We must continue to communicate, assure him of our love." I could write a book about where it goes from then till now. Because we are still on the journey. We have a very open communication relationship. We have always been that way with one another.

Our son knows we don't agree with him, but he also knows we love him. And we have learned to disagree agreeably. There are other things we don't agree on either. But we live with the disagreements, just as we do with our other children. He is also well aware of our intentions, our desires to offer ministries such as Transforming Congregations. I have a vision that each District in the East Ohio Annual Conference will have such a ministry in at least one local church. It’s important, though, that each congregation needs to be called to it, otherwise they could do more harm than help.

My son feels the same – he believes if someone desires to be out of homosexuality and is in need of assistance, then the local church should have ministries in place for that individual to receive help. We have discussed the fact that the church offers other such programs concerning life issues such as divorce, alcohol, drugs, emotions, etc. All of these are very real parts of people’s lives. Why not a ministry for those struggling with unwanted same-sex attractions? Our hearts as parents are proud of his stand on desiring a ministry to help those individuals, even though it's an issue that's so controversial.

Our hearts are also much encouraged by his plans to attend the Exodus Conference 2004. He desires to see what their ministry is about. Our plane tickets are bought. Though he is still living as a gay man, he has told me personally, "I am going with an open mind. I am going to do my homework. I am going to see what this organization that my Mother is involved in is all about." (Pat’s son did attend the 2004 Exodus Conference with his Mom, and at this date he is well on the way to healing.)

Our son is a very caring, compassionate, hard working, good citizen of the United States . We are thankful he is our son. We are thankful that God made NO mistake in giving him to us.

Pat served on the Transforming Congregations Board of Directors. She has also shared her testimony at a national Exodus conference.

Transforming a Worldview by Karen Booth

Since many folk working within “ex-gay” ministries are former gay men and lesbian women, I have been asked several times recently if that is true of me. It isn’t. I am what the movement sometimes calls an “ever straight,” consistently heterosexual in my desires and behaviors since my adolescent years. In the past, however, those desires and behaviors haven’t been pure; I’ve hurt myself and I’ve wounded others through sexual sin, and I praise God that He has forgiven and freed and healed me.

I’ve also had a major transformation occur in my worldview regarding homosexuality. For the first two decades of my adult life – from my early twenties to mid-forties – I was on the “pro-gay,” or accomodationist side. I attended a very liberal seminary, so even in my early pastoral assignments I was quietly and uncritically accepting of homosexual desire and behavior. I thought I knew what Scripture taught, and I believed it to be entirely condemnatory. If the choice was only between condemnation and uncritical acceptance, I preferred to err on the side of acceptance.

I also thought that I knew what science said about the subject. I believed the conventional wisdom that homosexuality is genetically predetermined and that folk with same-sex tendencies cannot change. If that were true, then wouldn’t it be completely unfair of God to deem such behavior a sin?

On a personal level, I also had close friends and family members who were gay or lesbian. They were wonderful and loving people and it would have been extremely difficult to tell them that what they were doing was wrong. And finally I had my own past to contend with. Ten years ago, I hadn’t yet completely dealt with my own brokenness or the wreckage I had caused in other lives. How could I point the finger at anyone else?

Then in 1994, God began to challenge my pro-gay worldview. As with many liberals, I gave more authority to personal experience than I did to Scripture. So, God brought an old seminary friend back into my life. Mark (not his real name) was attending the same conference I was, and one afternoon he asked me out to lunch. He’d been openly gay at school, but now he proceeded to tell me how Jesus had freed and healed him. He had been happily married for several years and was in the process of starting a family. I was completely stunned and didn’t really believe him at first. But Mark kept at me until I had to give serious consideration to his story.

Many people respond to worldview shakeup by retrenching and by becoming even more narrowly fundamental in their thinking; I’m the kind of person who gets intrigued and has to find out more. So I started reading books and articles about homosexuality from the evangelical/transforming perspective, books by folk like Joe Dallas, Mario Bergner and John and Anne Paulk. That led me to Exodus International and shortly thereafter I went to my first national conference at Gordon Conwell College in Massachusetts. Amidst some of the most profound worship I have ever experienced, I listened and watched as hundreds of men and women committed themselves to finding freedom from homosexuality. Their stories convinced me that my friend Mark’s experience wasn’t just a fluke.

I still didn’t entirely trust Scripture, so I next turned to science. Digging beyond the superficial media reports, I discovered that there is no proven genetic link to homosexuality. I learned that the scientific studies that have been done – for example those with male and female identical twins – show more of an environmental than biological cause for same-sex behavior and preference. Since I was a biology major long ago in my undergrad days, God knew exactly how to reach me using this approach, too.

When I was finally ready to give credence to Scripture, God had someone all lined up waiting for me. That someone was Jim Gentile, my predecessor in this ministry. He came to Delawareto do a workshop on sexual healing, and there he shared the truth and promise of 1 Corinthians 6:9-11. Through this godly man, I heard for the first time that there is something in Scripture besides condemnation for the homosexual person. There is the hope, the possibility, and the reality of change. And I finally understood that God is calling the church to respond with something other than accommodation on the one hand, or hatred and fear on the other. Instead, He’s inviting us to join Him in a most exciting adventure – offering His transformational, merciful, miraculous and amazing grace to same-sex strugglers and the people who love them.

I share this testimony in the hopes that it will encourage all of us to “keep on keeping on.” Transformed lives are what God desires. Transformed lives are what people need. And transformed lives are what will convince a skeptical world.

Karen Booth is Executive Director of Transforming Congregations and an ordained Elder in the Peninsula-Delaware Annual Conference. She attends Conley's United Methodist Church in Angola, DE.

Healed by God's Love by Ron Dennis

I grew up in Camden, New Jersey, a small industrial community across the river from Philadelphia. My early childhood was a time of insecurity and self-consciousness about being Jewish. I was different, and was frequently made fun of by the guys at school. Sports and the kind of activities most guys liked didn't interest me, but I loved music and art.

My physical desires always were toward other guys. I can remember back to third grade, being drawn to certain older guys at school.

My first sexual involvement was in my early teens. I would go to the local park, hoping for someone to approach me for sexual activity. I hoped it would be someone I liked. During my last two years of high school I recognized and accepted the fact that I was different in more ways than one.

During my high school years the family moved to Los Angeles for about six months. One night, while walking home, I was arrested for being out after curfew. I had stopped by a gay party and talked with a few friends. The police phoned my mother and told her that I'd been to a gay party. I was tired of living a double life, decided to be honest, and I told her about my homosexuality. She wanted to have my friends arrested for leading me astray. Even though I hated the pain my family was going through, it was a relief that the truth was out.

The family moved back to the east coast for a while. I returned to Los Angeles several years later to stay, got my own apartment, established a few friendships and started getting involved in the gay bar scene.

I met a young man, and we ended up living together for about seven years. He was a heavy drinker, but I tried to make friends outside of the bar crowd, but it didn't fit with our lifestyle. We bought a house and an apartment. It was like building a material kingdom that would lock us together. We eventually broke off our relationship and sold the property. It was a difficult time for both of us.

I moved to Las Vegas , and in 1971, a tragedy happened which later helped turn my life in a completely different direction. I invited a young man home for the weekend. On Sunday night, after I was asleep, he severely beat me. He used a clawhammer, hitting me over the head and face a number of times. I was near death for several days, and woke up two weeks later in a local hospital. One side of my face was shattered, and my skull had been split open like an eggshell. The doctors said, "He's got about a 10% chance, and if he lives he'll probably be blind and a vegetable."

Somewhere in the course of my recovery, I remember hearing the words, "God is going to heal you completely." I do not know where they came from. Perhaps it was a Christian visitor, chaplain or that still small voice of God's Spirit. Little did I understand the fullness of those words.

After the doctors determined I would live, they did surgery on my eye and face. My optic nerve had been damaged. Amazingly I did not need glasses; although, I had needed reading glasses before. That started me thinking about what had happened. Wow! Maybe God has healed me completely. I began a relationship with Jim, who was studying for the ministry in the Metropolitan Community Church (MCC), the gay church in Los Angeles . They had a meeting every Friday night for Jewish people. I drove down after work each week, attended the meeting and stayed the weekend. I began to hear about Christ. Being Jewish, I had not heard the Gospel. It was my emotional attachment to Jim that motivated me to attend church. God says His Word ". . . will not return to Me void, but it will accomplish that which I please," (Isaiah 55:11). And it sure did!

During that year, I attended many social activities with Jim. It was the first time I publicly admitted I was gay.

I still resisted Jesus because I was a Jew. I started reading the Bible and noticed the correlation between Jesus' life and the Old Testament prophecies of the coming Messiah. I became convinced that Jesus was who He said He was. I really believed it!

I went to Los Angeles to tell Jim. When I arrived, I found Jim with another man, and it hurt me deeply. I realized that when I wasn't there, Jim was involved with someone else. Even though it was an awkward situation, I remember sharing with him that I believed Jesus was real.

Sunday morning I went to the MCC church. At the end of the sermon, there was an altar call and I went forward and received Jesus into my heart and life.

Until this time, I felt no guilt about my homosexuality. I'd lived with it all my life and had learned to accept it. But I started reading the Word of God and discovered Romans, Chapter 1 and First Corinthians, Chapter 6. The Bible said my life-style was not pleasing to God. I went back to the gay church in Los Angeles and questioned the pastor. His responses didn't line up with what I was reading and I started realizing how wrong it was. I couldn't talk about it with anyone then. I began thinking of myself as a non-practicing homosexual, and yet I was still not at peace.

Finally, one night I prayed. "Lord, I commit the whole thing to you. I'm gay and Your Word says it's wrong. I can't change, so I put it in your hands." Things within me started changing from that point on. The Lord was working in my life. I can't explain how He did it – I just know He did. My fantasies started to vanish, and I could hug a Christian brother without feeling awkward and embarrassed. I thought God was doing a unique thing with me – I had never heard of anyone coming out of homosexuality.

The following year, I heard about a meeting in Anaheim , California , concerned with ministries to gays. In June 1976, at that meeting, 55 of us formed a coalition called Exodus International.

I really praise God for what He's done in my life. God not only healed me physically, but God has healed me emotionally and spiritually – truly a complete healing. I spent years looking for a solid and secure relationship, but I was looking in the wrong places. I have found that security in Jesus Christ. He has satisfied every need in my life – and that's something no one else could ever do.

Ron is Co-President of the Transforming Congregations Board of Directors and a former Executive Director of the national office. He is a member of Pahrump, NV United Methodist Church.

God, Who Overcomes by Bonnie Doebley

I'm not sure how old I was when the word homosexual was added to my vocabulary, or at what age I first became aware that I was different from my peers. But by the time I was 12, 1 realized I definitely had a problem.

I felt comfortable with boys, but did not look to them for affection. At 13, 1 thought I was in love with one of my girlfriends. Even though I suffered a great deal of mental anguish over my feelings, I would not seek help. I went to a sleep-over with a close friend, and as she slept, I caressed her. I experienced a great deal of guilt, and confusion. Our contact became more physical as time went on, but I was too afraid of rejection to act out as much as I'd wanted. The closeness felt good, but I was embarrassed that being affectionate was so sexually arousing. I hated myself, yet I could not stop touching her, and longed for more. She and her family moved out of town, ending our relationship before we actually engaged in sexual behavior.

I was raised in the church, winning prizes for memorizing scripture. During confirmation class, I decided I'd become a missionary, and thus make up to God for being so bad. If I could work for the church, I would not sin so much, or so went my 13-year-old thinking.

My parents loved me, but I did not feel comfortable confiding in them. I thought my mother would punish me, that she would be hurt and ashamed of me. No one could understand, so I carried the burden alone. Instead of dating like my classmates, I volunteered to visit church shut-ins, to serve at church dinners. Saturday nights found me alone in my room praying and reading Psalm 5 1, David's Psalm or repentance, over and over, begging God not to condemn me to Hell for feelings I did not choose, and felt helpless to control.

During my junior year of high school, I met a young lady at an interfaith retreat. She was a lot of fun, and a close relationship developed. Within three months, we were engaged in sexual behavior. I had never become so intimate with anyone before. It was like a drug, and I needed-more and more time with her, greater amounts of stimulation to feel satisfied. I knew it was wrong. I spoke with my pastor about it, but I could not stop. Nor was I honest, since we had to be secretive about the nature of our relationship. I pretended to be straight, and to be religious, but that just added to my self-contempt. I hated this part of myself yet I felt that I could not survive without it. I wanted to love God, but felt no love from Him. My lover and I continued our relationship until I graduated and headed off to college. I had every intent of "marrying" her after completing my education.

Maybe once we made a lifetime commitment to each other, the guilt would go away. If I were a man, at least our love could have been legitimate, but there was no way to find acceptance as things were.

God had other plans for me. I became involved on campus with Intervarsity Christian Fellowship. The friendliness, and kindness of the members eased my loneliness. We discussed our beliefs, and even though I knew the Bible well, and had a good grasp of the Christian faith, I had not come to Jesus as Lord. I wanted to recognize him as Savior, but I could not ask him to be Lord of my life. I was a pervert and I could not believe that God would want anything to do with me.

One of the members asked me directly why I would not make a commitment, and I shamefully disclosed my problems with my sexual orientation. She made it clear that God had already sent Jesus to die for us, and that he loved us no matter what we had done, or what kind of problems we faced. She suggested that I tell God honestly, how I felt, and ask him to handle the situation. So, arrogantly, I came to God, the Almighty, daring him to do something with the mess that my life had become! Fortunately, he accepted my terms and came into my heart. Not much changed, I felt the same, but I knew I wanted to love Him as He loved me.

I never asked God to just take these feelings away. Although hurtful, they served some purpose in my life. The fantasies were a familiar place to which I could retreat when overwhelmed by life's stress. It was comforting to lie in a woman's arms, or at least to think about it. Like a substance abuser who resorts to his addiction to escape the pain in his life, lesbian thoughts were my addiction.

I did not act out sexually with a woman again, although I thought about it. I continued to have lesbian fantasies. There was still confusion about my identity, and what kind of life I would lead, but God continued to work.

By my senior year of college, I met a man who is now my husband of 21 years. I believe God brought us together. I did not tell him of my past because I was not acting out, and I intended on being faithful to him, even though the lesbian feelings were still there from time to time. I loved him and expected the marriage would solve a lot of my problems.

We had a son, bought a home, and we financed two cars. It was a childhood dream come true. Yet, I became unhappy. Although my husband and I did not fight, the relationship was shallow. We did not share our deepest thoughts and feelings. I did not know how to open up to him, but he did not seem discontent, he seemed quite happy.

About five years ago, I had to deal with my lesbian feelings as I had never done before. I had lived with them for a long time, but I had not taken a serious look at where these tendencies came from. I don't believe it was a conscious decision on my part to choose these feelings. It was my choice, however, to act on them. One of my coworkers was an affectionate, caring person. I spent time sharing with her, and I felt a strong attraction to her. She treated me differently than other women. I felt special when I was with her, but I developed sexual feelings for her. I went to her home and asked how she felt about me, even though I did not want to leave my husband, or destroy my relationship with God. But I could not tolerate the way I felt. She said that she cared about me, but that she did not want a sexual relationship. I fell apart. I felt rejected and ashamed, yet in a way, relieved by her answer.

I cried often and became very depressed. I saw her daily at work. My husband noticed my behavior and I had to tell him of my past and what had occurred. I needed help, and I knew I needed him to be a part of my healing. I was so glad he did not leave me, or respond in some hurtful way. He forgave me, and he has continued to be supportive in my journey toward wholeness.

I entered therapy because I could not cope with my feelings nor concentrate at work. I could not function very well at home, as I was very distracted by the inner turmoil. I spoke with my pastor who referred me to a counselor. Through therapy, I came to understand some of the reasons for my lesbian feelings. I have reaffirmed that I will not act out on those feelings. There has been a great deal of pain, as I have faced ghosts from the past that fashioned my personality, that planted the seeds of my sexual confusion. I have had to face and accept things about myself I do not like, but God has been with me through it all. He has led me to the right therapists, he has put people in my life to encourage me, and who have helped in my recovery.

I no longer hate myself. I am more open and honest with my husband, and more certain of his love for me. I am not people-pleasing all the time, nor ashamed of myself. I have found freedom in Christ Jesus. By his power, I have been saved, and by the Holy Spirit's leading, I will continue to grow in faith, and to become the woman God wants me to be. I thank Him and praise him for reaching into the deepest darkness of my soul and shining his perfect light. I rejoice that he has put his nail pierced hands over my wounds, and soothed them, so they can heal.

I realize that I do not chose my feelings. God holds me responsible for how I behave. My sexual orientation is not who I am. - I am a child of God, but I happen to struggle with attraction toward my own gender from time to time. I do not need to hate myself for something that developed which was beyond my control. However, I am responsible for the things that I do or do not do, because of this struggle. Like any other sinner, I stand in need of God's grace. By His power and love--much of which has come by means of people who have loved Him, and shared that love with me--I have been changed, and I am changing from glory into glory. I am living proof that God can, and does, overcome all things.

Bonnie is a Board Member of the Transforming Congregations, Director of Exodus member ministry "Out of the Depths," and a member of Millville, NJ United Methodist Church.

Just Another Miracle by James M. Gentile

What seems to be an insurmountable, life-gripping problem to us, in God's loving eyes, is just another miracle waiting to happen!

My life was pretty normal "run-of- the-mill" suburbia until age six, when my parents were divorced. From then on my world was turned upside down, and I experienced many things children should not see until much later on in life. I left my childhood home and moved to several apartments (changing schools often) before my mother remarried and purchased another home. I was able to see my father every other weekend and vacation with him during several weeks in the summer.

While my parents and step-parents were generous people, they were struggling themselves with many of life's issues. Even if they would have recognized my struggle, they had little or no resources left to minister emotionally to my needs. The way a parent showed they cared back then, was to provide their children with things to live the good life, and that necessitated full time jobs. We all learned to do, not simply be. Perfectionism "ran wild" in my mother and expectations for good grades and behavior were paramount.

My father: was a gentle, humorous man who never quite recovered from the divorce and sought others' approval by helping anyone who asked. Consequently, on my weekend visit, he was absent more than present, and I was left to fill my time with friends and neighbors. I grew up with an ache of loneliness, over-sensitive to the world around me, always feeling like an orphan because of the lack of emotional attention from my parents. No grandparents were living, and all other relatives lived six to ten hours away.

At age eight I found a large supply of pornography in my old bedroom in my father's house. He had rented that room to a co-worker, and when I was home alone, I happened to come upon it. From that point on, I would develop hunger for fantasy and a compulsive habit of masturbation that would enslave me well into my adult years. Involvement in sports became a nightmare as I had never hit, caught or thrown a ball (both my father and step- father participated only in spectator sports - watching TV sports). Name calling by other kids only added to my confusion, and soon I began feeling so lousy about my self that I began to make vows that I never wanted to be like my parents, while at the same time desperately desiring their love.

A defensive detachment occurred with my parents. This means I put up an emotional wall around my heart to keep the pain of rejection out, not realizing that it also kept love from coming in. I also began experiencing an ambivalence toward other boys. I wanted to be like them and be included, yet hated the way they behaved (tough and teasing). Inadequacy at sports added to my withdrawal. Silent confusion fueled my need and set me up for the sexual abuse ahead.

My sexual abuse was non-violent and seemed to meet a need I had for feeling close to an older male. Although I knew intuitively at age eight that it was wrong, it was as if I were dying of thirst in an emotional desert, and someone had offered me a glass of water. True, the water was polluted and poisoned but to someone in my position, "dirty" water was better than none at all. In this my search for intimacy, I became stuck developmentally and unconsciously bought the homosexual lie. Well, "I must be born this way." All my young life, all I was drawn to was men. Of course, I was operating out of a reparative drive to meet a legitimate love need for the same sex parent. When puberty hit, this drive became intensely sexual, and I experienced my first orgasm with a man. I was hooked! While not a conscious decision, I chose sex because it was the closest thing to intimacy which I had known.

Unconditional love was a foreign concept, and this also laid the roots for my driven perfectionism that attempted to compensate for my mounting guilt and shame. I was catapulted into the adult sexual world inside, while wrapped in an exterior of squeaky clean, proper childhood behavior. I learned early on to act the part that was expected. My young heart yearned for love and acceptance. I learned to live with the secret and the shame; believing I was a "black sheep" and somehow the cause of the dirty desires in my heart.

In tenth grade, at the age of fifteen, I attended a public school for the first time. Prior to that, I went to Catholic schools. A classmate of mine invited me to her teen Bible study. I thought she was so beautiful, both inside and out, that I could not help but say, "yes." I intuitively knew that she had something that I did not. She had a certain calmness about her that enabled her to handle teenage crises almost effortlessly. I figured if she got that from this Bible study, I wanted it too! After all, my life was far from calm even though I had gone to church every Sunday since I was born and did all the "right things" I was told. My secret behavior forced me to live a double life, driven by sexual fantasy and guilt.

I remember sitting at this Bible study, amazed at these other kids who really seemed to believe what they were saying and praying about. It was like they were best buddies with God or something. Could it be true that I knew Jesus only as a distant, historical and conditional Savior and had missed the truth about His ability to be intimate, real and in- side me?

Within one week, I asked Christ, "If You are real, and this can actually happen, please forgive me for all the junk I have done, take away these sins, and come into my life. I am desperate and ready to let go of the rope I have been hanging on to for years." Well, with a warmth and tingling that started at the center of my chest, and ended with tears streaming down my face, I knew He had answered my heart's cry. I could not explain it, but I knew beyond the shadow of a doubt, that He came into me and He was real and this was true.

Since I accepted Jesus, my life has never been the same! I have learned to forgive my parents, myself and others. Although this process took longer than I care to admit, it has been a thorough process of healing that continues to this day. The Bible has become a living source that I am able to understand. Prayer has become vital communication, not an empty ritual that seemed to watch requests bounce off the ceiling and land on the floor. The fellowship of other Christians became a surrogate family.

The man who led the teen Bible study belonged to a small United Methodist Church that was experiencing the outpouring of the Holy Spirit. He and his wife opened their hearts and home to me, and although they knew little about homosexuality, they knew lots about love. They held me and cried with me and, yes, even admonished me over a period of several years. This was true discipleship. As I grew up in Christ, the pastor and his family also came along side of me to continue the work God had for me to do. Again the process took time and tears, but the benefits were unimaginable. These two families loved me unconditionally and taught me how to reach out and love my natural family like never before. They gave me the support to stand up and be counted and to tell my story. With their encouragement and the Lord's strength, I now have faith to believe what I cannot see and know that my existence is not an accident.

The years of depression are over. Joy that is inexpressible has replaced it. joy that comes not from doing, but from simply being. But this is just the beginning of the miracle. I know that there are many more to come - that is the way my Heavenly Father is. Each phase of my life seems to bring another miracle. I am becoming what I was created to be.

Finally, I have love; love to give, and love to receive. God has restored the very thing that was destroyed in my life, FAMILY and sense of belonging! My life verse is Psalm 40: 1-3:

        "I waited for the Lord;
        and He inclined unto me, and heard my cry.
        He brought me out of a horrible pit,
        out of the miry clay,
        and set my feet upon a rock,
        and established my goings. "

        And he hath put a new song in my mouth,
        even praise unto our God:
        many shall see it and fear,
        and shall trust in the Lord."

Perhaps the most unexpected miracle to date is that now, both of my parents have a relationship with Christ. This was a twenty year old prayer that has been answered. We are all together in church on Sunday, loving God and each other sincerely like never before. They are both there for me and my children. God truly has kept His promise to me to "...restore the years that the locust has eaten..." (Joel 2:25). The years of waste and rejection are gone. Love has healed the wounds!

From sexual, emotional and spiritual brokenness to a life that is abundant is no small miracle! As I look into the eyes of my beautiful wife and three sons, I realize the loving promise of God to make all things new. By His grace, "...all things work together for good to those who love God, to those who are called according to His purpose." (Romans 8:28) With God all things are possible. What seems to be an insurmountable, life-gripping problem to us, in His loving eyes, is just another miracle waiting to happen!

Jim is a former Executive Director of Transforming Congregations and is a member of Washington Crossing, PA United Methodist Church.

Amazing Love by Melissa Jo "MJ" Wilson

I first asked Jesus Christ to come into my heart and forgive my sins when I was 5 years old and in Sunday school class at Trinity Wesleyan Church. My church quickly became my “family” and showed me the love of the Father throughout my growing up years. The people in this church also taught me the Word of God, which established a firm foundation in my heart. This foundation would prove to be an integral source of truth in my life, because when I was confronted with the struggle of lesbianism, I knew and believed that it was contrary to God’s will for my life. I knew that it was, in fact, sin no matter how right and sincere it FELT to my starving heart (Jeremiah 17:9).

I grew up in a dysfunctional family where abuse was the norm rather than the exception. My mother married five times and each man (husband) came into our lives, caused us pain, and then left. As a result of this, I made inner vows as a young girl about men and women. One of the inner vows I made was that I would NEVER allow men to use me or hurt me the way that they had hurt my mother and our family. This is also when I began to unconsciously detach my heart emotionally from men and my mother. I detached from my mother because she always put her husbands before my emotional needs, even though they were abusing both her and her children. Also, because of experiencing sexual abuse, I made yet another inner vow about men. This inner vow sounded something like, “ALL men want from women is sex and they don’t care AT ALL about me.” These statements seem irrational to me now, but as a hurting, confused child they made perfect sense to my young mind and heart. This was my reality, my experience with men thus far in life.

Unfortunately, due to these painful experiences I stopped developing emotionally at a young age. I was arrested early on in development because my parents did not meet my legitimate, God-given needs for basic trust, security, safety, and love. I was fortunate enough to be at Trinity Wesleyan Church , though, where it was apparent that they loved the Lord and made Him a priority in their lives. They also loved me unconditionally and cared for me as their own. My church was transparent before me too, so I learned that Christians were not perfect but they could have strong Christian relationships (marriage, family) without abusing or hurting each other. I witnessed strong marriages and saw how other families interacted with one another. Providentially, this allowed me to see examples of godly men, which contradicted some of the beliefs that my young, wounded heart believed about ALL men.

As a result of these factors, I grew up feeling emotionally drawn to women. I was not physically attracted to women, though. Rather, I was physically attracted to men but they were not safe in my mind. However, I did date boys/men all through junior high, high school, and college. I attended two Christian universities and was allowed many opportunities to date men with character, who loved the Lord, and who treated me like a lady. Despite all of these positive relationships with men, I still could not connect with them, emotionally. I still had a deep inner longing and compelling drive toward unhealthy friendships with women. My friendships with women are where I seemed to find a sense of deep connection/bonding, at least for a time.

Throughout my life I felt a profound sense of emptiness and loneliness regardless of having many people around me who seemed to genuinely love me. These feelings are somewhat normal, meaning God created us all with a void in our lives that only He can fill. My void was more profound because my parents did not meet my legitimate emotional needs while I was growing up. So, I kept searching for someone to love me enough to fill this void in my life. Women were the only safe option in my mind, although this thought or desire was unconscious. I did not have an awareness of my search for significance through another woman, until I came to CrossOver Ministries in 1998. Needless to say, I was disappointed over and over again by women and this realization seemed to magnify the severe sense of disconnectedness I already felt. The intense feelings of rejection when the friendship had to end because it was unhealthy and/or sexual, only seemed to drive me to go looking for yet another female to meet this profound need, to be significant to someone on this earth.

Although all of my close friendships with women certainly did not end up in lesbianism, a lot of them did have elements of emotional dependency. Emotional dependency according to author Lori Rentzel occurs when the ongoing presence and nurturing of another is believed to be necessary for personal security. This nurturing may come in many different forms, such as, affirmation, affection, listening, and/or spending time together. One category of women who are in lesbianism is women who have not acted out sexually, but have sought completion through an emotional relationship with another woman. The Father revealed to me that even when I was not “acting out” physically with my female friends, that I was still guilty of idolatry. Idolatry occurs when we try to put anyone or anything in God’s place…first! The Father purposely created us with a deep inner void because He intends to be the ONLY One to fill this space. This God-given void will DEMAND attention. Beth Moore says in her book, "Breaking Free”, that our craving to be filled is so strong that the moment something or someone seems to meet our need, we feel an overwhelming temptation to worship it. I believe that I was worshipping my friendships with women because they were meeting my need for connection/bonding and feeling significant to someone on this earth, temporarily.

After being involved with a few different Christian women, emotionally and sexually, I realized that I may have some “issues” that I needed to work through. Also, the Father again gave me the gift of repentance (after salvation) but with a new depth of awareness and sorrow, this time (Godly sorrow). I was disgusted with myself because I had been sinning against my sisters in Christ and against my Father who loved me more than any woman ever could.

At this time I had a Christian friend who was also struggling with this issue and she told me about CrossOver Ministries, Inc. This was the second person that the Lord had tell me about CrossOver because five years earlier my Christian counselor told me about the ministry but I was too proud to go to a ministry for people struggling with same sex attraction (SSA). Well here I was five years later still struggling so this time I humbled myself and called the ministry.

Since I surrendered this area of my life to the Lordship of Christ and began seeking help from other Christian people, the Father has TRANSFORMED my life. He has been teaching me much about root issues in my life, some reasons why I acted/felt certain ways. Being at the ministry in this healing journey with the Almighty God has definitely brought seasons of pain/suffering but the pain has been worth it, because God’s unexplainable, indescribable peace comes at the end of each of these seasons.

One of the most significant things the Father has taught me is that it is ONLY His Holy Spirit working in me that is able to obey Him. The Holy Spirit empowers me to align my will with the Father’s will. He has also instilled in my very being the truth that He does love me and I am His daughter with a new identity. This new identity is nothing that I could ever earn or deserve, but rather it too is a GIFT. My value is forever secure (Romans 5:8). He will be faithful to complete the good work that He has begun in me (Philippians 1:6) and that it is GOD who is at work in me to will and to do for His good pleasure (Philippians 2:13). These TRUTHS have been so freeing and humbling for me because it is not me who will do anything, but rather it is the Holy Trinity in me. I constantly cry out to the Father in desperation and beg Him to make me willing to be willing to follow all of His ways and He is always faithful to answer and equip me. He consistently instills in me the willingness and eventually the desire to follow HIS will instead of my own will.

His amazing love is continually wooing me to know Him and to love Him. I am learning to walk in my true identity as a godly woman. He has instilled in me an insatiable hunger to know Him, to obey Him, and to bring Him glory and honor through my life (II Timothy 2:20 -21). I’ve heard it said that salvation is free, but God’s glory (holiness) will cost you everything. By His grace this is the price that I’m willing to pay. He is all I want and He is ALL I’ve ever needed. I count all things to be loss in view of the surpassing value of KNOWING Christ Jesus, my LORD (Philippians 3:8). Amen!

MJ is a member of LaRoca United Methodist Church, an Anglo-Hispanic re-start congregation in Lexington KY.

Into the Loving Arms of the Father by Matthew Thompson

I grew up in church and with a mama and daddy that loved me very much. My daddy worked very hard to provide for my family. His long work hours left little time to spend with his boys. I know now that he was doing the best he knew how to do.

I was different from other boys. My interests were in drama, singing, and other arts. I had no interest in sports. This led to teasing and ridicule throughout my school-age years. I was called “sissy” and “fag.” After many years of being called something we tend to believe the lie we are hearing.

At a young age I was molested by an older male in the family. This went on for many years. I hated this and it always made me feel terrible. I started to associate being accepted and cared for by other males with these perverted things that were happening to me. Soon there was an unhealthy attraction to other males, a yearning for relationship and acceptance.

I never acted out on any of the feelings I was having until I was in my twenties and married. I dated girls through school, and I was attracted to them as well. After I was married, I had access to a computer and quickly became addicted to internet pornography. Later I would learn that this was just an attempt to numb the pain from my past. I also began to make contact with other men on the internet who felt the same way I did. In my attempt to be accepted and loved by another man I fell into an adulterous relationship.

I was living a double life. I was very active in the UMC, teaching Sunday School and leading the youth – all the while deceiving my wife and the community around me. I was never happy during the homosexual relationship that I pursued; it made me more miserable. I knew that it was not the life God wanted for me. Finally, I came to the point where I had to either share with someone or take my life.

The day I shared my secret and let light into the awful darkness that was consuming me was a huge turning point and the start of my freedom. I shared with my pastor whom I had come to trust. She met me with Jesus’ love and allowed God to work through her as she led me through a process of deliverance, freedom and restoration.

Two years after I was freed from pornography addiction and homosexuality I shared my story with my wife. It was definitely the hardest thing I have ever done. She has stayed by my side and feels called to minister with me to those bound up in sexual sin.

Shortly after I shared with my wife, I met Jim Gentile, past director of Transforming Congregations at the North Carolina Annual Conference of the United Methodist Church . Jim’s ministry and the work of TC impacted me in a huge way. He ministered to me on a very personal level and encouraged me in ministering to others.

You see, I grew up in the church and yet never heard that I could be free from the things that had a hold on me. I only heard harsh things about what should be done to homosexuals. The church needs to know how to minister to those struggling in this area. The church needs to know how to love these people into the loving arms of a Father who can free them!

Matthew is a member of the Transforming Congregations Board of Directors, was raised United Methodist and now serves with "Father's Heart Ministries" in Rockingham, NC.

Finding the "Boss" of My Life by Terrence Toon

On a hot summer evening in August, 1990 I was ready to die. It was Sunday and the weekend had been consumed once again by alcohol. My regular weekend ritual was to drink until early Sunday evening and then sober up enough to go to work the next morning. That particular night I was used up; I was finished. All I could see were endless years of isolation, of loneliness, of humiliation, of despair. That night I was determined to end it once and for all.

Something intervened. Just as I was prepared to hang myself in my closet, the phone rang. My mother was calling to “see how I was.” Perhaps because it’s rude to kill yourself right after talking with your mother or perhaps because I realized that one person in the world would miss me if I were dead or perhaps because I realized that something supernatural had intervened in that moment, I put the rope aside and didn’t die that night .

That night I began a search that spanned a decade – a search for the supernatural agency that had intervened. I knew it couldn’t be a Christian God. I was a gay man. I had been proudly gay for 20 years, politically and socially active. I knew how the Christian God felt about queers; “God hates fags.” I’d seen the signs at the parades. So I looked in a lot of different places for this higher power.

Eventually my quest brought me back to the God of the Bible. Christian friends started popping up all over the place. Old friends began professing faith in Christ! I liked what I saw. I began to check out several churches and started a systematic study of the Bible. Eventually I became convinced of the reliability of the Bible. The central question became “If I believe that the Bible is true, can I accept the claims about Jesus?”

On a Saturday night four years ago, I was alone in my apartment once again. This time I was wrestling with the question of Jesus. Finally I simply surrendered and asked Jesus to be the boss of my life! The change was immediate. I was filled with such joy!

My life has been transformed. I ended a thirty year career in the restaurant industry to work for my church. A year ago I returned to school to study theology and Christian Leadership. This past summer I traveled to Vietnam to share the story of Jesus with the people there. As I reviewed the list of people who funded my trip I realized 90% of my funding came from people I didn’t know four years ago! My life is rich in relationships.

I asked Jesus to be “The Boss” with no expectation that my sexual orientation would change. I believed I was born gay and my sexual orientation was unchangeable. I understood from my reading of Scripture God wanted me to live my life in a different way and I was prepared to structure my life in a manner pleasing to God.

But as I prayed and read Scripture with new eyes and began fellowship with the WestGate Church community, the Holy Spirit began to show me that something else was possible. I began to question the inevitability of sexual orientation and I began to understand that real change was possible. I discovered healing was available at deeply profound levels of my body, mind and soul. Today I consider myself free of the bondage of a gay sexual orientation.

Terrence is a former Board member and a ministry leader at Exodus member ministry "Transformed Image." He is on staff at Westgate Church in San Jose, CA.